What?! Blog Battle: What Would You Do in a Zombie Apocalypse?

The quintessential question on everyone’s mind this week is not whether Obama and Congress will solve the economic crisis before we head over the fiscal cliff, but what we would do in the event of a zombie apocalypse. More specifically we wonder: what would you do if your children turned into zombies? Would you leave them to their zombie ways and flee? Would you stick around and try to keep them “safe” in case a cure is found? Or would you mercifully end their life with a double-tap to the head? Check out the battle to find out the answer to these all-important questions.

Wendy: What would you do if zombies snatched your kid and turned him or her into a zombie?
Would you:
a. Shoot your kid in the head.
b. Offer yourself up as zombie food.
c. Run away and never come back.
Easy, they must die.
I’d tie him/her up and make them my zombie kid/pet.
a. double tap
Alex: Besides being utterly devastated…like that queen chick said from Alice in Wonderland, “Off with their heads!”
Eric, you’re insensitive.
Really, though, could you? I mean…think about it.
I would ask Alex to do it.
Alex: They WERE your kid.
Gabriela: I wouldn’t.
Eric: No I would say…hey Alex. I found Lucas…he a zombie now…so I will do it for you guys.
Wendy: Alex, could you shoot Chinchilla? I fucking couldn’t.
Alex: If Eric really wanted me to, yes.
Eric: I would ask Alex to do the same.
Gabriela: Not happening.
Wendy: Dude, then Gaby would kill you.
Gabriela: They’re your kids.
Eric: Were!
Alex: WERE is the key word.
Eric: Ya, I would not wanna do it, but…
Gabriela: So you’d be cowardly about it and have a friend shoot them.
Gabriela: Fuck that. Grow some balls. Do it yourself.
Wendy: I think when it came down to it, I just couldn’t do it. I could not could not pull that trigger.
Alex: Lol, you can’t tell ERic to grow balls, if you won’t kill them at all.
Gabriela: You probably wouldn’t hesitate if it were me.
Wendy: And I couldn’t just abandon him to be a zombie baby out in the world. I would just like…pitifully watch him from afar.
Eric: Look Gaby calling people out for being cowardly is like me calling people out for bad spelling.
Alex: The way I see it, regardless of who you are, you become a zombie, and you’re like Sylvester Stalone—Expendable.
Gabriela: Eric, stfu.
Eric: ily2
Wendy: And this is why Alex will definitely survive the zombie apocalypse and I’m like the first one dead.
Alex: I will survive cuz I don’t trust anyone.
Wendy: Even your own kid, apparently.
Alex: If he turns, obviously.
Gabriela: You won’t survive Alex, cuz you’ll be waiting for Jerry.
Eric: Look, I will just follow Alex, cuz he don’t trust anyone.
Gabriela: I’m sure you will.
Eric: Gaby will go first, cuz she will try to help them.
Gabriela: I will not. That’s Crystal.
Eric: Both of you.
Alex: Government Program for Zombies, headed up by Gaby.
Gabriela: I’m not planning to start a non-profit for Zombie Rehabili, wait….hmm.
Alex: See! The possibilities. You’re thinking of them.
Wendy: YAH, cuz what if you find a cure??
Eric: Do they ever find one?
Gabriela: We could start a zombie work program.
Wendy: Then you’re the dick who killed your kid.
Gabriela: exactly
Eric: I did what I had to do at the time.
Alex: When do zombie movies EVER find a cure?
Gabriela: They did in I am Legend.
Wendy: This is a pretty hypothetical scenario from the get go. If we are gonna imagine the zombie apocalypse, it’s fair to imagine there being a cure.
Alex: Those were more like vampires. Get it right.
Gabriela: Oh God. I just saw Eric try to spell hypotheticals.
Eric: Too many unknowns.
Alex: And there was no cure for that.
Eric: I murdered it.
Gabriela: Like he would our zombie children.
Wendy: OH SNAP.
Gabriela: Look at that face. (me points at Jamiroquai)
Alex: It’s official, first to die: Wendy and Gaby.
Eric: It would probably be Gaby’s fault in the first place.
Gabriela: LOOK AT IT!
Eric: So I would have to go clean up.
Alex: Dood, if there is a zombie baby, I am punting it Cockneys vs. Zombie style.
Wendy: Look, this question is moot because if my kid becomes a zombie, i’ll just go ahead and kill myself.
Alex: That face ain’t gonna be so cute when it’s trying to chew your face off. Sorry.
Gabriela: He’s actually already tried. We call him Zombie Baby. It’s super adorable.
Eric: He dead like Ricky Tan.
Wendy: That is pretty damn cute.
Gabriela: I’d go. Eric wouldn’t care cuz he’d follow Alex “cuz he don’t trust anyone.”
Eric: Fine. I would let the kid be alive. Then he would take out Gaby.
Alex: Come with me if you want to live.
Gabriela: Which we all know is code for “follow Alex cuz he’s the love of my life.” Yeah, I went there.
Wendy: Zombie Lucas and Zombie Jamiroquai would fight over entrails, and me and Gaby would be like…awwww, they’re playing together.
Alex: You’d be more like wuapoijr;lksdjfa;ljdf. Cuz you’d be zombies.
Wendy: Yep, and then you’d shoot me. IN THE MOTHERFUCKING HEAD. And go be with your true love, Eric. Fin.
Alex: Obviously only after an epic song plays and I cry and THEN I shoot you.
Eric: I mean, this is all sounding pretty sweet.
Alex: Then yeah, me and Eric into the sunset with shotties.
Eric: hellz to yee
Wendy shakes head
Alex: Ozzy coming, too. We need him for suicide missions.

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8 Responses to “What?! Blog Battle: What Would You Do in a Zombie Apocalypse?”

  1. Toogull

    Fuck all this, I’m sending a Terminator back in time to protect John Conner so that shit doesn’t get real.

  2. mattyg

    Ok, im double sided on this one. I would stick around a little while longer and see if a cure came about. But after a while I would have to shoot him or her and put it out of its misery and my misery. I wouldnt keep it around like the Governor from the Walking Dead.

  3. David Buchta

    There is never a cure for zombification. The brain is dead except for the hungry part, and the body is dead, too. They’re rotting. If you could somehow “cure” the zombie part, they’d still be dead.

    Only humane thing to do is shoot ‘em. And then maybe yourself. But at least one of you.

  4. Ozzy

    What’s more depressing? Killing your child or keeping them around knowing that you can never play with them again or give them a hug without them wanting to bite your throat off?

    • David Buchta

      Hence the line in every zombie-related thing ever: “No! That’s not your wife/husband/boy/girlfriend/son/daughter/grandfather/kitten! Not anymore!”


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